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This Wine Tastes Like I'll Be Cutting My Own Bangs Tonight

Updated: 2 days ago

"With a snip snip here and a snip snip there, Drunky McDrunkerton cut her own bangs, E-I-E-I-O-$hIt


When sipping your gas station merlot one isolated Covid related Friday night, you think you'd like some bangs. There are so many choices!


-Blunt

-Mod

-Moon

-Betty Paige aka Pin-Up Girl

-Chola aka Beer Can Curl

-Curtain

-Sideswept

-Swoop

-Face Framing

-V Shape

-Asymmetrical

-Textured

-Wispy

-Pie

-Heavy

-Drunk

-Tipsy

-Blackout

-Call your ex


We've all been there. We think we'll look like Beyonce, Farah Fawcett, Harry Styles, Reese Witherspoon, J.Lo, That Chick with the Dark Dark Hair and blue, blue eyes, J. Law, or Justin Beiber.

Chances are, we wind up looking like ourselves with a unique, poorly executed sprinkling of wine bangs.


It's ok! Your stylist probably won't be bangry(rage experienced by stylists when clients cut their own bangs). Bangs grow out, even drunk bangs. If they really are that atrocious, your stylist can help you incorporate them into your existing style. Jacked up bangs are first world problems, and if that is the worst thing that is happening to you right now, consider yourself lucky. There are people in Syria who had their bangs blown off by a grenade launcher. There are journalists who had their bangs removed by terrorists during a scalping on live TV. There are kids who don't have bangs because of chemotherapy for their cancer.


Whoa that turned dark real fast. Sorry, and also not sorry. My point is, they're just bangs! What fun is drinking your problems away if you don't create new problems while doing so? And waking up in the morning to find mysterious hair in the bathroom sink is like waking up on Christmas only to find Santa didn't leave you any gifts, he actually stole all the ones your parents gave you as well.


Then it hits you-you look into the mirror with your blurry, hungover eyes and it all comes back. The wine, the scissors, the laughing, the texting of the ex, the crying, the googling of "how to cut your own bangs"(however you typed in-How too cut youre bangs pretty & good but long and not 2 short)and the liberating feeling of cutting your own hair.


Remember, bangs are like the mustache of the forehead and mustaches always grow out.


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